Shoving Into Overdrive

On Saturday August 4th, 12:01 AM EST, the call went out.  "Cougar lost it, turned in his wings. You're number one on the wait list."  After years of patiently biding his time, Jon will finally be joining the ranks of the elite.  How elite?  Only the top 1% of all naval aviators fantasy football owners get to join Maize and Blue.  Millions of fantasy players in this country and only sixteen make the cut.

After a bit of investigative reporting, and a timely electric outage over the greater Michigan area that prevented him from reaching the outside world, it's been revealed that Thundercats' owner Cougar couldn't pay the franchise fee.  Despite winning their first championship in 2011, so much cash was paid out for in-season headhunting prizes -- not the mention the post-season celebratory parades, extravagant catered dinners, and championship belts/rings -- that Cougar was left with no money for the upcoming year.  "It just doesn't pay to win," he said at the formal press conference abdicating his throne.

A Thundercat PR intern (unpaid) then quickly stepped in, "What Cougar meant to say is that we wanted to go out on top.  The Thundercats are a proud franchise that has accumulated a 33-17-2 record since going 5-7-1 in 2007.  We rose from the depths five years ago and accomplished what we set out to do.  Management felt strongly that there were no challenges left ahead of us.  And this won't be a fake retirement, we won't be coming back like Jordan, wearing the 4-5. We're going to retire and stay retired. Like Tiki Barber."

Shuffle off stage right, Cougar and his entourage. A big round of applause for our champs!

And just like that, the new era of Thundercats football began.  Not five minutes into his regime, Jon has already made sweeping changes.  "New cheerleaders, new uniforms, and a new name.  Also, effective immediately, the entire front office is fired.  Including Nate Burleson."

"But Nate Burleson didn't work in the front office."

"I don't care, his contract is non-guaranteed. And he makes shitty coffee."

A bus is scheduled for Friday, August 10th, to pick up Drew Brees, Victor Cruz, Antonio Gates, Brandon Lloyd, and two players to be named later, but nothing else would be going from Michigan to San Diego.

"We want to sever all ties and start fresh," Jon announced.  "We've already secured a ten year lease to play our home games in Shamu Stadium.  Don't worry, we are not displacing the killer whales.  Corky, Kasatka, Ulisses, Orkid, Keet, Nakai, Ikaika and Kalia will be featured in our halftime show. If you don't want to get wet, stay out of the Splash Zone. If you want to be part of a winning tradition, buy your lifetime seat licences now."

Already full of innovative ideas, Owner Jon let General Manager Jon outline one of them. "While most franchises in Maize and Blue only have one authoritarian head coach, we've decided to follow the current trend of uber-specialization in the NFL."

Dramatic pause.

"I'm happy to announce that our defense and special teams will be coached by an expert in these matters, Mr. Kelvin.  He'll definitely be helping out with the dance team too.  If he does good there, by mid-season we hope he'll take charge of our kicking game as well.  We feel that with a bit of extra experience, he'll soon be elevated to the top job at another Maize and Blue franchise."  Defensive/dance coordinator Kelvin was unavailable for comment as he had to sit at home with his newborn baby.

"Thank you to everyone for being so welcoming, we're just wondering who's the best. Chances are, we'll be the answer to our own question," said a confident team representative maybe named Jon. "See you in Miramar, boys!"